


dee reynolds: patient zero

by golden_geese



Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: Other, charlie does bad science, dennis yells at everyone he loves for some reason, mac also does bad science, mac and dee bonding
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-25
Updated: 2018-10-25
Packaged: 2019-08-07 13:07:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,983
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16409099
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/golden_geese/pseuds/golden_geese
Summary: “No, she’s only infectious if her coughs are less than two minutes apart,” Mac said. “Those ones were almost three minutes apart. I timed it. We just had to get her out before the coughs got closer together.”“Anyway, if we huff some paint we’ll have immunity,” Charlie agreed. “The chemicals in the paint kill germs. That’s why I never get sick.”there's a cold threatening paddy's and dennis will quarantine anyone infected. don't test him.





	dee reynolds: patient zero

5:15 p.m.  
a Thursday

Mac leaned his chin on his fist as he watched Charlie put a bar stool back together. He yawned. Charlie was just close enough that he caught the yawn.

“Stop making me tired, bro,” he said, setting the screwdriver down.

“I’m not even tired, how could I make you tired? That was a bored yawn.”

“You can’t yawn out of boredom,” Dee said, directly across the bar from Mac.

Mac started to reply, but she cut him off with the gnarliest cough he had heard in a while. His face scrunched up in disgust. She barely covered it. 

“Cover your damn mouth,” he huffed, several beats too late.

“I did,” she insisted, turning back to the beers she was stocking. 

“If you’re sick you should leave, you’re going to infect us all,” Dennis said, dumping ice into the blender to fill a margarita order. He added the tequila and margarita mix, turning the blender on to prevent Dee from replying for a moment.

“It’s happy hour, I can’t leave. You guys can’t make it through happy hour without me.”

Dennis scoffed. “Really, Dee? We can’t? Look around you. One, two, three, four-- five customers, Dee. I think we can handle five whole customers without our weakest link.”

“I am not the weakest link,” she argued. “You are. Or… Frank.”

“Frank pays for everything,” Charlie defended.

“Fine. Then Mac.”

“Do you want the heavy responsibility of keeping this place safe?” Mac demanded.

“You’re the weakest link,” Dennis concluded, eyebrows raised in his usual condescending I-told-you-so face. “Everyone agrees. You look like a bird and you’re the weakest link. Possibly the weakest link I’ve ever met.”

“Fuck you,” Dee suggested. Before anyone could reply, she coughed again, sniffling a little.

“GO HOME,” Dennis shouted impatiently. 

“Yeah, and take your gross germs with you,” Mac added.

She rolled her eyes hard. “Fine. I’ll go home. But I’ll have you boners know-- I’m not doing it for you. I’m doing it so I can have a relaxing night off.” Beers half-stocked, she marched off toward the door.

“We’re all going to get sick,” Dennis said as he watched her slam the door.

“No, she’s only infectious if her coughs are less than two minutes apart,” Mac said. “Those ones were almost three minutes apart. I timed it. We just had to get her out before the coughs got closer together.”

“Anyway, if we huff some paint we’ll have immunity,” Charlie agreed. “The chemicals in the paint kill germs. That’s why I never get sick.”

“You get sick all the time, man,” Dennis argued.

“No I don’t.”

“Yes you do,” Mac said.

“Name one time,” Charlie insisted.

Mac and Dennis exchanged a glance. Neither of them had proof.

“Whatever,” Mac said. “We’re not gonna get sick, guys.”

***

1:04 P.M.  
a Friday

“Guys, I think I’m sick,” Mac said, shoving through the door at Paddy’s. His voice was full-on congested, his nose red and raw from too many tissues. He had a half-gallon of blue Gatorade under one arm.

“God dammit,” Dennis huffed, covering his mouth and nose with his hand. “I thought I heard you coughing last night.”

“I guess I timed Dee’s coughs wrong,” he said.

“Get the fuck out of here, dude, you’re going to get us all sick,” Dennis said, backing up even though Mac was still several feet away. 

“Oh, come on. I know how to cover my mouth. I won’t get you sick.”

“Can’t take the chance,” Dennis insisted. “We’re all always way too close to each other. If one of us gets sick, we might make it, but if two of us are sick-- that’s game over, Mac. We’re all going to get sick at that point. So get out of here.”

“But I got a good idea about the bar,” Mac whined.

“Go, dude, you’re going to get the customers sick,” Charlie said, crossing his arms.

“Go!” Frank added. Mac hadn’t even realized he was in the room.

“Fine. You assholes. I’m going to remember this next time you need my help with something,” he huffed.

“But don’t go to our apartment,” Dennis said. “You’re going to infect the place, and I’m moving in on this chick. I’m not going to enjoy having sex with her if you’re hacking up a lung on the other side of the wall.”

“Where am I supposed to go, then?” Mac demanded.

Dennis shrugged. “Hospital? Alley? I don’t care, bro.”

“Go to Dee’s,” Charlie suggested. 

“I don’t want to hang out with Dee!”

“Tough titties, man. You two need to be quarantined. If you aren’t together, you’re both going to be alone and you’re going to be on the streets,” Dennis said firmly.

“Jesus Christ,” Mac huffed. “Fine. I’ll go to Dee’s.”

“And stay there until you’re not a walking infection anymore,” Dennis added.

“Fuck you.”

Mac left, shaking his head.

Dennis watched him go. “That was my hoodie he was wearing,” he said, clearly annoyed.

“If you bleach it the toxins will be gone,” Charlie told him.

“It’s dark grey, dude. If I bleach it it will be ruined. I might as well burn it.” Dennis shook his head, turning back to what he’d been doing. “Dammit, Mac.”

***

Dee was sick enough that she couldn’t really make decisions. Her feet simply reacted when there was a knock at the door, and she simply didn’t have the energy to tell Mac to fuck off, so she let him in.

He huffed and puffed his way to the couch and sat down. She sat back down in the chair she’d been sitting in before, turning back to the TV.

“Dennis told me I can’t go to our apartment. The guys are assholes,” Mac said.

“Yeah, obviously.”

“Do you think it’s the flu?” He asked, feeling his forehead with the back of his hand.

“I don’t know,” Dee said. “My head’s too foggy to do flu science.” She grabbed another tissue.

“I swear I slept for like three minutes last night.”

“Oh, me too.”

“Dennis is a dick.”

“The worst.”

The two of them sat in silence for a while, watching the movie on Dee’s small TV. It was freezing in there, Mac realized. He pulled the sleeves of Dennis’ hoodie over his hands, letting the bottle of Gatorade roll off his lap.

“What movie is this?” He asked.

“Legally Blonde,” Dee said. “I just put it in.”

He nodded slowly, watching as a blonde chick tried on a sparkly dress, gabbing with her friends about some guy. He barely followed the plot as a store worker tried to trick the blonde girl and she went on a tirade about low viscosity rayon. Whatever that was. He kind of laughed.

As the movie went on, he found himself almost enjoying it-- other than the parts he and Dee coughed through. He was even kind of disappointed when it ended.

“Good movie, isn’t it?” Dee asked as the credits started rolling.

“It’s okay,” Mac said. “I liked the dog.”

“There’s a sequel, but it isn’t as good.”

“We should pray.”

Dee made a face. “What?”

“We should pray,” he repeated. “When you’re sick you gotta pray extra so the Lord will make you better.”

“I don’t pray ever, though,” Dee said, “so praying extra would still be not praying at all.”

“Come on. Let’s do it.”

“You can do it by yourself. Why are you even here?”

“Because your stupid brother kicked me out of my home,” Mac whined. “Please?”

“I don’t believe in God, Mac.”

“Even if you end up right and He isn’t real-- which He totally is-- what harm could it do to pray really quick? Better safe than sorry,” he rambled, voice thick with phlegm.

“Nah.”

“Oh, come on, please? Just a quick prayer. You don’t even have to do anything. I’ll do it. You just have to do it with me.” He kind of knew he wasn’t making sense, but his head was starting to fog up too, so he didn’t really have the fortitude to give a shit.

“You are the most annoying person on the planet. If I do it, will you shut up?”

“Yes.”

“Fine,” she said. “I’ll pray with you. Only if you let me pick the next movie.”

“Fine,” Mac said. He scooted toward her and grabbed her hands. “Our Father who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come. Thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread; and forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us; and lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil,” he recited, the words familiar since he’d said them about a million times. “And, uh… our Father who art in heaven, please, uh… deliver us from this flu or cold and make us not sick anymore. Amen.”

Dee started to pull her hands away, but Mac raised his eyebrows at her, holding her hands tighter.

She sighed. “Amen,” she repeated.

Satisfied, he let go of her hands and settled back against the couch. She got up and put another movie in, going to the kitchen as the credits started.

“Get me water,” Mac called.

“Get it your damn self,” she said-- but when she came back, she set two glasses of water on the coffee table.

“Thank you,” Mac said, picking it up to take a sip. “What’s this movie?”

“Notting Hill,” she answered. 

To Mac’s surprise, he didn’t mind this movie either. He found himself rooting for Julia Roberts and Hugh Grant and their love story, even. The usual movies he liked had lots of loud crashes and yelling and gunshots in them-- since his head was throbbing pretty bad, it was kind of nice to watch a movie without that stuff. Not that he would admit it to Dennis ever.

He watched the movie for a while, cozy, having sneakily commandeered a blanket while Dee was in the kitchen.

“Hey, you ever think the bar could use like, glitter?” He asked after a while.

“Yes,” Dee said. “All the time. If we had glitter, I bet more girls would show up. It would make the place look less creepy.”

“I was thinking we should put these like… dispensers in the bathrooms,” Mac said. “Like, you put in a dollar and you get a little packet of glitter you can put on your arms or whatever. I bet people would use it, especially if they were drunk. Especially gay dudes and girls. We’d make bank, dude.”

“That’s not a bad idea,” she said. “We can do green glitter.”

“Yes!” Mac agreed, way too loudly. “Also-- candy machines. Why don’t we have candy machines? Even those shitty ones that dump five M&Ms into your hand for a quarter. We could make money from that too.”

“And souvenir beer mugs,” Dee suggested. “Like, that say Paddy’s Pub. You pay extra for your beer, you get a mug to take home. Then people will do it, because people love getting stuff, and then they’ll have the mug at home-- so they’ll see it in their kitchen and think about Paddy’s and come back.”

“Absolutely,” Mac said. “Cups like that are cheap as fuck if you buy shitty ones in bulk. But Dennis hates ideas.”

“He just hates change,” Dee dismissed. “He’s stupid. We should go behind his back and do it.”

“We can pitch it to Frank so he’ll put up the money.”

“Perfect.”

“Maybe when we aren’t dying, though.”

“Maybe,” Dee agreed. 

“Do you have instant ramen? Like the soupy stuff?”

“Yeah, I have a bunch of it in the pantry.”

“I’ll make us some,” Mac offered.

“Cool. I’ll find another movie.”

Using all his strength, he got off the couch and went to make the ramen. Maybe this wasn’t the worst possible quarantine situation ever.

**Author's Note:**

> follow me at golden-geese.tumblr.com!!


End file.
